In December 2013, my world shattered into a million pieces when I found my 2-year-old son, Matthew, had taken his last breath during his afternoon nap. I was devastated and traumatized by his death. The first year I was consumed by heartache and grief. Every day I longed to hold him, hear his voice and just watch him play and explore one more time. I desperately wanted to go back in time and be that “happy” young mother of a toddler again.

In the beginning, it took all my energy and effort just to get out of bed each day. All I could do was go through the motions of my day and do the bare minimum I needed to survive. I isolated myself from almost everyone except a few close friends, because it was so painful to be around others whose lives seemed to be normal in comparison to mine. My grief and heartache were all consuming. I no longer had the capacity to be with my life coaching clients’ personal challenges and struggles.

Eventually, I became more familiar with feelings and thoughts that surrounded grief and heartache; they just became a part of me. Over time I adjusted to living without Matthew in my everyday life. I began to create new routines for myself and found activities to keep me busy. Slowly I began to engage with more friends and people in our community, learning to live my new normal.

Fifteen months after Matthew’s passing, I had my second son, Luke. He brought so much joy back into my life again, I loved being able to have a child in our home again. The experience was bittersweet because I still intensely missed Matthew. I continued to experience the heartache of wondering what it would be like to have Matthew there as my little helper and wondering what kind of older brother he would have been. Since caring for Luke kept me busy, I didn’t have much time to feel or think about my grief and pain. I tried to just focus on all the good things in my life, like being a mom to a healthy baby, having a comfortable home with a loving husband.

My pain and trauma didn’t just go away; I continued to feel broken and different than those around me. Despite how my friends and community reached out and tried to show kindness and care, I didn’t feel like I could show them my pain. I felt as though I had to act as if I was “okay” and that things were “all good now that I was a mom with a healthy baby.” It seemed like enough time had passed that no one wanted to hear about or think about my horrific tragedy and loss anymore. I didn’t really blame them, since I thought talking about my tragedy would probably only surface their own fears and worst nightmare.

For the next year or so, I continued to be able to be okay enough and even enjoyed things again, like celebrating the holidays and taking family vacations. In Spring of 2017, around the time Luke was about to turn two years old, my fear of losing him and my PTSD from Matthew passing, led me to experience serious depression. I didn’t want to do anything but lay around. Everything I did took immense effort. This is a terrible place to be as a mother of a toddler who needs a mom who is present and attentive. I feared becoming “that mom,” who all anyone talks about is the “terrible tragedy” that happened to her. I didn’t want to become that mom who seems checked out because her pain and issues constantly hijacked her. I realized that my depression and PTSD was consuming me. I would soon become her if I didn’t do something.

I wanted so desperately to heal from my trauma and be a healthy mom and wife. I knew I needed support to overcome my depression and PTSD. In May 2017, I began the slow and intentional process of healing from the trauma surrounding Matthew’s death. This included facing uncomfortable, intense, and sometimes terrifying emotions that were buried because I was too afraid to feel my pain and go there. Through the guidance and support of an EMDR therapist who specializes in loss and trauma and a gifted Somatic therapist I began to heal from trauma surrounding Matthew’s death. It took a lot of time, patience, resources, and grit, but it eventually got me to the other side of my pain. Therapy helped me begin to find relief from my depression and heal from the trauma.

Despite finding relief from my depression and PTSD, I still felt like I was merely existing. Something was missing. I was unable to embrace life because I was constantly afraid of all the bad things that could happen to my family. I struggled with feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by daily life. I wanted desperately to be able to feel hopeful, energetic, and happy again but I didn’t know how to make that happen.

From my experience working as a Life Coach, I recognized that what I was doing wasn’t working for me and I needed to do something different. Even with this knowledge I struggled to figure out what I needed to do and how to not continue my old familiar behavior and thoughts. I realized I needed the support and encouragement of a Life Coach myself, to help me figure out what was keeping me stuck. I hired a Life Coach I had worked with in the past. She helped me figure out how to work through my self-doubt and fear. She helped me figure out what was working and what I would need to change. She held me accountable which helped me follow through. Her support, guidance and encouragement allowed me to face my fears, and I now have tools to go to when life’s challenges arise.

I no longer worry that my family will have to suffer all consequences of my trauma and personal struggles. My intentional effort and commitment to healing and facing my issues and challenges has paid off. I am now able to be more present as a wife and mother. I am able to share more freely in the laughter, silliness and joy with my two energetic sons and husband.

One of the best things that came from the changes I’ve made is learning how to truly connect and be more present with those around me, just like my son Matthew showed me how to do during his short life. Matthew was always so engaged with people and would say hi to everyone we encountered. I feel so grateful that he taught me this important life lesson. And grateful that I’m now at a place where I am able to be present to the everyday moments in life and connect with those who are sharing those moments with me.

I personally know how challenging and overwhelming the process of rebuilding and finding a path forward can be after loss. I know how easy it can be to get stuck! I know what it’s like to be hijacked by fearful thoughts and intense emotions. But I also know what it’s like to be on the other side; to have the resilience to move through it, because of tools and training. I now have the confidence to handle the ups and downs of everyday life. I’m passionate about helping others overcome their challenges and transform their lives, like I have.

I bring my tools, training and personal life experience to my work. I have been a Certified Fearless Living Coach since 2011. I am a Certified Grief Educator. I am also certified in Somatic Embodiment & Regulation. This means I teach my clients methods to calm their bodies when intense emotions arise, so that fear and other intense emotions and sensations don’t overwhelm them or hold them back from making changes and moving forward in their lives. I’ve also spent the last couple of years becoming trauma-informed, so I have the knowledge I need to understand how trauma impacts one’s ability to change and overcome life’s struggles.